Pity party

Ok so if you don't want to listen to me feel sorry for myself, it's best not to read this but I have to get it out so that it will go away. So here goes.

First, we will preface this with some good news though. My appointment yesterday went really well again. Everything still looks great as far as the baby goes. Fluid is hanging in there, not quite as good as last week but not bad either. So all in all, good news.

Here comes the "I feel sorry for myself" part. In talking with the dr. yesterday, I made the mistake of asking him if I would be spending any time in the hospital before this was all over with and he of course, told me "yes". It looks like I will be heading to the hospital to spend the rest of my pregnancy when I hit 24 weeks. That's 5 weeks from now. The exact date would be during the week of Dec. 13. So what does this mean? Well, it means I will spend Christmas in the hospital, that's what it means. It means I won't be able to participate in the holidays at all, really. It means no Christmas cards will be sent out, no shopping will be done, and the part that makes me most sad is no Mass on Christmas eve and no family time on Christmas Day. Now, maybe I would be able to handle this if I knew I would be getting out shortly after that. No, I won't deliver until the last week of January. Won't be going home until February and will more than likely have a sick baby in the NICU until Spring. By the time this is all said and done, about half a year of my life will have slipped by. Half a year of Ethan's life will have slipped by and I am not a very good part of it right now as it is.

I can't even take care of my little boy now. I asked Dwaine to leave him home with me this morning while he went to work and I couldn't even take care of him. I am scared and I am starting to question myself as a useful person and a mom. I know that what I am doing is best for our little girl. I am scared there is a pretty good chance she still won't make it. Then all of this time, all of this effort will be for nothing. It makes me furious just to think about it.

It has been forever since I have even had real clothes on. No makeup, hair looks like crap and sweats all the time. Makes me feel really pretty. Every day makes me think that this has been one more day that I have kept my baby. But could this be the day where it all ends? I think about that all the time. Is this the last day I'll have my baby with me? It scares the crap out of me.

I know I am not looking at the big picture right now either. I actually do believe that this will have a positive outcome. I feel like it will anyway. I hope God is not going to disappoint me. I feel like every time I learn to trust, something is taken away from me. It happened when my mom died, then my dad died, now I am afraid of losing a baby. I really don't think I can handle that.

Ok, I think I have purged enough and hopefully I will begin to feel better now. Just needed to get it out.