20 weeks, 3 days

Today, I am half way through week 20. Feels like a milestone to at least know that if this were a normal pregnancy, I would be half-way there. This pregnancy unfortunately, has been anything but normal. As my dr. would say, we passed normal a long time ago. But, I still have faith that this is all going to turn out ok. Now, at least I can start to feel little Ryleigh moving around a bit. Every time I feel one of her little kicks, I am completely reassured that she is still ok and still with me. Sometimes I just try to lay as still as I can just so I can feel here movements.

Our ultrasound this week was good. They took measurements of everything. Head, chest, belly and all long bones. According to her measurements, she is right at the 50th percentile. Perfect! They estimated her weight at 12 oz. So not even a pound yet. She is such a strong little girl already. However, one setback that happened is that I had a huge leak right before my appointment. A leak very comparable to the first one. So everything I had saved up the last two weeks was gone right before my ultrasound. But, the doctors are happy that she at least had two weeks of good fluid that she could swim around in so all was not lost and my fluid measurements were not much different than the week before. I had a minor leak this morning but nothing big to speak of. It is a little disappointing though because I think that after 2 weeks of no leaking at all that maybe I am part of that lucky 1% that has resealed. Well, that definitely didn't happen.

Last week, I was crying because I will have to go into the hospital in a couple of weeks. I have completely changed my attitude about all that. I realize that when I get to the hospital, if she is born early, there is a good chance she will still make it. I think once I am there, it will almost be a relief now, in a way. Then, just 4 weeks after that, she will be here.

I have been communicating with another woman who had been through this exact same thing. My doctor was kind enough to get us both connected and she has been more than willing to share her experiences with me. I have found this to be extremely helpful since she had the same doctors and was in the same hospital. She has a cute little 4 year old boy to show for all their hard work and tears. She sent me a picture of him that I keep in my inbox so I will be reminded of the goal at the end of all this. I am very thankful to have found her.

I still count all my blessings and there have been so many. I still thank God every day for all of my friends and family who are supporting us and lifting us up in prayer. Also, so many people have stepped up to help out with cleaning and cooking and errands and some babysitting. It is the little things that make the hugest difference. Just knowing that everyone is behind us and that we are not in this alone.

Random thoughts..

Well, today is day #31 of house arrest. Still feeling cautiously optimistic but also still not sure of what the outcome of this will be. Dwaine and I met with the neonatologist yesterday. He was very nice, very intelligent and seemed to be very caring. Of course, we learned more gloom and doom yesterday also. I now know what the terms hypoplasia and pulmonary hypertension are, I know a little about respirators, ventilators and feeding tubes. I know about how difficult it will be to get an airway into my baby, I know about underdeveloped lung tissue and I know about how the heart can take over the chest leaving not much room for lungs. I know the uterus compresses against the baby's chest. I know a lot of things now that I may have been better off not knowing, but we need to know these things just in case. We need to make decisions on how much and how soon we think the baby will be "viable" How soon is too soon and can the baby live if it is too soon or do we let her go? That is the most cruel decision of all. We also learned how technology has developed in even the last couple of years. We learned how much more they know about this problem than before. I know if this had happened with Ethan, there is a really good chance, he wouldn't be here just by how far they have come in the last 2 years. Those are the good things. I will try to focus on these and I will try to focus on those PROM women who have succeeded in having healthy babies. The ones who seemed to have more difficulties than me. The little ones that made it. Those babies are my heroes.

My prayer now is that I can give this situation over to God and let Him handle it. Worry does me no good and it doesn't benefit Ryleigh either. Now, I am praying for patience, acceptance and trust.

Pity party

Ok so if you don't want to listen to me feel sorry for myself, it's best not to read this but I have to get it out so that it will go away. So here goes.

First, we will preface this with some good news though. My appointment yesterday went really well again. Everything still looks great as far as the baby goes. Fluid is hanging in there, not quite as good as last week but not bad either. So all in all, good news.

Here comes the "I feel sorry for myself" part. In talking with the dr. yesterday, I made the mistake of asking him if I would be spending any time in the hospital before this was all over with and he of course, told me "yes". It looks like I will be heading to the hospital to spend the rest of my pregnancy when I hit 24 weeks. That's 5 weeks from now. The exact date would be during the week of Dec. 13. So what does this mean? Well, it means I will spend Christmas in the hospital, that's what it means. It means I won't be able to participate in the holidays at all, really. It means no Christmas cards will be sent out, no shopping will be done, and the part that makes me most sad is no Mass on Christmas eve and no family time on Christmas Day. Now, maybe I would be able to handle this if I knew I would be getting out shortly after that. No, I won't deliver until the last week of January. Won't be going home until February and will more than likely have a sick baby in the NICU until Spring. By the time this is all said and done, about half a year of my life will have slipped by. Half a year of Ethan's life will have slipped by and I am not a very good part of it right now as it is.

I can't even take care of my little boy now. I asked Dwaine to leave him home with me this morning while he went to work and I couldn't even take care of him. I am scared and I am starting to question myself as a useful person and a mom. I know that what I am doing is best for our little girl. I am scared there is a pretty good chance she still won't make it. Then all of this time, all of this effort will be for nothing. It makes me furious just to think about it.

It has been forever since I have even had real clothes on. No makeup, hair looks like crap and sweats all the time. Makes me feel really pretty. Every day makes me think that this has been one more day that I have kept my baby. But could this be the day where it all ends? I think about that all the time. Is this the last day I'll have my baby with me? It scares the crap out of me.

I know I am not looking at the big picture right now either. I actually do believe that this will have a positive outcome. I feel like it will anyway. I hope God is not going to disappoint me. I feel like every time I learn to trust, something is taken away from me. It happened when my mom died, then my dad died, now I am afraid of losing a baby. I really don't think I can handle that.

Ok, I think I have purged enough and hopefully I will begin to feel better now. Just needed to get it out.

Doctor's report

Well, I had my weekly doctor visits yesterday. I am now seeing both doctors once a week. Dr. Grant, my high risk specialist, and Dr. Moreton my regular OB. Dr. Grant has pretty much taken over my case but the two communicate and share reports weekly. Dr. Grant does an ultrasound weekly and checks the baby and the fluid levels. Dr. Moreton has taken over the role of counselor which is very helpful to me at this time.

So first, I had my weekly ultrasound. Here's how the fluid levels go. They find the largest pocket of fluid and measure its length in mm. I have two pockets of fluid (bonus!) I ruptured on Oct. 12th and have no idea how much fluid I had and at the time, I was in no state of mind to even think to ask. I just knew it wasn't enough. The next week, that single pocket of fluid measured 13 mm. The bottom of the range is 10mm so that is great! And that is when they found the second pocket of fluid. Not sure what it measured that week. The next week, 10/26, That large pocket went down to 11 mm and the second pocket was 6 mm. One close to normal range, the other one, far from it. This week 11/2, the large packet measured 18 and the smaller one measured 13!! YIPPEE!! I drank like a fish this week (water, that is) so I like to think I had a hand in helping things along - besides what God did. Little sis was moving around and swallowing with a full stomach and bladder. All excellent signs. The doctor congratulated us on a job well done this week and told us he would see us next week. So good report!

Next was Dr. Moreton (my counselor). He always makes sure my mind can handle all of these things. He also knew how excited I was about such a good report. He also helps me to become aware of reality. We aren't out of the woods yet. I know this may still end up with a bad result, then he tells me that God has a plan in all of this and whatever happens, he says he is proud of me for trying to do the best thing for this baby. He also vows to do everything in his power to see that this baby gets every chance for survival. How many doctors would say that? How many doctors would tell you that they are proud of you for choosing life for your child? How many doctors would tell you that God is watching over you? I don't know of a single one, except for him. I have a new respect for him and I trust in everything he says and does. I am so blessed this week.

November is the month of Thanksgiving. Right now, even in this inconvenient circumstance, I have so much to be thankful for.

Family vacation

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Marathon runner

I have recently come to the conclusion that bed rest is very similar to running in any sort of distance race, whether it be a marathon or a half marathon or whatever. I recently completed my first half marathon this past July. I trained for it for over 5 months. During that 5 months we learned to build endurance and speed. Those 5 months also required a lot of patience. Not only do you have to have patience to complete the distance but you have to have patience to complete the training. There are setbacks along the way. One or two missed training runs can cause a delay or make it more difficult to accomplish the goal you have set for yourself. Injury is also a big setback. You need time to heal and then try to make up lost time that you were not running due to the injury.

When it finally came time for the actual race itself, I was very scared. Scared that I would not be able to finish. Scared that I would end up being disappointed in myself. Scared that I would disappoint everyone else that I told about running in this race. I didn't want to come back and have to tell everyone that I could not finish. The morning of the race, the odds seemed to be stacked against me right away. It was so humid, I could hardly breathe. After I completed the first 3 miles, I became so nauseated I didn't know if I would be able to finish. When that happens, your mind starts to tell you to just give it up, it's not worth it. What glory is there in finishing anyway? About the 8th mile, it started to rain. Not just any rain but a severe thunderstorm and by this time I was at the very end of the pack. The police were behind me telling me that they would be happy to drive me back to the finish line. I was about two seconds from jumping in that car and saying "forget this!" Then a girl who was with me said that she was not quitting unless they made her quit. So amidst the rain, wind, lightning and nausea, I decided that I was finishing this thing come hell or high water!!

Well, I finished. I cried as I crossed the finish line. The rush from that accomplishment was awesome! And it was a lesson learned that I did not know I would use until now. (did I mention that a week later I found out I was pregnant? So not only did I run in the conditions mentioned above, I was pregnant too!!)

If I can finish a half marathon, I can do this bed rest thing too. The race was a lesson in patience and a lesson in controlling what my head tells me. My head tells me that I won't be able to do this without going stark raving mad! My head tells me that there is a high probability that I may still loose this baby especially since there is no chance yet that she can live outside my body. My head is telling me that my body is not a good home for this baby anyway. My head tells me that even if I make it, there still may be something seriously wrong with this baby in the end. My head tells me that all the odds are stacked against me.

My heart tells me that I can do anything with God's help. My heart tells me that God will not leave me. My heart tells me that even if something does happen, He is here to comfort me. My heart tells me that the prize at the finish line is so valuable that there is nothing that will stand in my way to get it. During the run, I listened to my heart and I knew I could do it and I did! Now, I am learning again to listen to my heart and I know I will reach the end and there will be a wonderful outcome and a precious little girl at the finish line. I know that with so many people praying for us, there is no way that God will deny us this child. He is just making us work for her. No one said it would be easy but it will be worth it.

Day 17 of house arrest

Our latest trip to the doctor was two days ago. Every doctors visit includes an ultrasound, a visit with Dr. Grant and then a follow up visit with Dr. Moreton. So first thing was the ultrasound. It didn't show as much fluid as last week. There was a SVP measuring 11mm and another pocket measuring 6mm. The bottom of the range should be at least 10 mm. I don't know what it was last week, I think I was a little too freaked out to remember to ask. The baby still appears to be in stable condition. We could see her bladder and her stomach which means that she has enough fluid to swallow and for kidney function. Both excellent signs. We also watched her suck on her hand and move her jaw which means she was swallowing too. Good news! Dr. Grant came in after that to explain everything to us. He was slightly concerned that the fluid level was not as much but he said it would fluctuate. After two weeks of bedrest and finding out there isn't as much fluid is, to say the least, a little disheartening. Seems like you try your best and it isn't good enough although I know I am not in control of that situation. He also said that if the fluid consistently goes down or no more is made, they would check possible problems with my placenta. GREAT, another potential problem. But I know that is just something he has to prepare me for just in case. I am not thinking that anything else is wrong and I am going to drink a ton of water this week. Overall though, he gave us a good report.

Next was our visit with Dr. Moreton. He is my regular OB and since Dr. Grant has taken over my pregnancy, Dr. Moreton acts mostly as my counselor. He does his best to make sure that mentally, I am able to cope with things. Which, some days are better than others. He is also trying to get us set up with a neonatologist. He answers all of my questions, no matter how dumb I think they are. He has even called me at home to check on me.

I am lucky to have such wonderful doctors taking care of me. I truly feel like they care about me and about keeping this child healthy and alive. Not once did either one of them try to talk me into terminating this pregnancy which, I think is a wonderful thing. I could never do that. So they are trying to give her every opportunity to make it by taking care of me.

So, now we keep doing what we are doing and wait until next Tuesday.