Dear friends and family,

This is probably going to be the last post for while, anyway. Ryleigh is doing so well and having two little ones to care for is a full time job in itself so I don't have much time to keep this page updated anymore. Ryleigh is doing so well and she is over 4 months old. 1 month adjusted age. She is starting to smile at us, she can hold her head up and she weighs a whopping 8lbs, 12 oz. That is an even 7lbs since birth! She is very healthy and appears to be a very content baby. (except when she is hungry, then look out!)

Ethan is adjusting well also. He loves her very much and says the cutest things about her and to her as well. My favorite thing he says is "Baby Wiley, your my best fwiend". (his r's are w's) Too cute! He smothers her with hugs and kisses. Sometimes I think it is a little too much love but at least he's not trying to push her down the stairs or anything like that!I will leave you with a video that I made of her journey to this earth and through the NICU. Thank you all for following us, for your prayers and for all of your nice comments. We love all of you very much. If you wish to still keep track of Ryleigh, I am still posting pictures of her on Facebook. Please catch up with us there.

Until we meet again...

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=da2995cf26a453f414a7b0&skin_id=1605&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

We're Home!!

We brought Ryleigh home on Monday (March 14). She is adjusting well to being home and she is really a pretty good baby. Finally, the rollercoaster madness has come to an end.

I look back and I see 11 1/2 weeks of bedrest, an emergency c-section and then 10 weeks in the NICU. Do I see tragedy? Do I see despair? Is this an experience that I will have nightmares about? The answer is "no". I see this whole experience as a blessing. It doesn't mean that it wasn't hard as hell to go through. But I have always said that a difficult experience is for naught unless you learn something from it. So have I learned anything? You bet! Here's what I've learned....

I have learned that people are not all bad. I was usually a pessimist about the hearts and souls of others. I am ashamed of that. Yes, there are bad people in this world but I am surrounded by people who are anything but bad. Mostly, they are angels. People that I don't even know who offer to help out or do whatever they can to comfort someone in need. It has taught me that I need to be more aware of other people in crisis.

I have learned the value of true miracles. They do exist. Not only do they exist, they happen every day and we need to learn to look for them in the ordinary things of life. There are no coincidences in this life. Only God-incidences. And because of this, I have learned that I must pray more and be more aware of God in my life. He is everywhere! I know that both of my children are miracles by their very creation itself and by the fact that neither one of them were supposed to be on this earth.

I have learned that my daughter is the most amazing person I know. I know how many lives she has touched and how many people she pulled together in prayer and thanksgiving. She is very special and I will never take that for granted. She is a fighter and she knows how much we all love her and want her with us.

So this whole experience, as difficult as it was and as many times as we thought we would lose her, has been a true blessing and shown us the true meaning of what our family means to us.

Miracles really do happen...

...we are living proof of that. Seems like so much time has gone by since Ryleigh was born. It is hard for me to remember now just how tiny she was. It is hard for me to remember that we almost lost her. I don't think I ever let that thought settle in my mind. I dismissed it. What a long road this has been. But even though it has been long and full of challenges, I do believe we are better for it. I will never take the grace of God for granted again and I will make time to cherish every moment with my family and my children. Even when they act up. It is sometimes hard to take the good with the bad but even the difficult things I will embrace especially when it comes to my kids.

I am starting to feel more like a mommy to Ryleigh. I get to hold her more and now I can feed her and change her and get her out of her crib without cords and wires attached. She is growing every day and we are so blessed and thankful for that.

I have been thinking a lot about the things that have happened in the last 9 months. This is one of those periods in time that changes the rest of your life. I believe the birth of a child is a life altering event in itself but this one has really made some changes in my life. Ryleigh really should not be here on this earth. It was God who allowed her to stay with us. The odds were stacked totally against her but He is the one who let her remain here. It seems as if he wanted to keep her for one of His own angels. I thank Him every day that He left her in our care.

I will now sit back and watch as my children grow together. I hope they will be the best of friends.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ryleigh weighs 3 lbs!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing else to report. I had a wonderful snuggle this weekend. Actually, I got two. She is such a strong little girl. She is starting to open her eyes and look up toward my voice when I talk to her. We brought her a Valentine Teddy Bear yesterday and we brought all of the nurses chocolate covered strawberries. Ethan handed his Valentine's out to his two favorite buddies. One is the unit secretary and the other is one of Ryleigh's nurses. He really enjoys seeing those people and he really loves his baby sister. Ryleigh has led us to so many wonderful people in the ICU there. We feel as if they are family in a way.

We are doing ok. Dwaine is my rock of support. Without him, I would be a puddle of mush. I am feeling myself spread very thin lately. I am trying to handle everything that comes at me all at the same time. I feel like I haven't had time to really process all of this that is taking place right now. I am extremely grateful for the miracles that have taken place in our lives with Ryleigh so I don't want to sound like I am not truly grateful for all of these things. It is just that I don't have time to even think about what is going on. I want to keep all of these memories in my heart but I feel as if everything is happening around me and I am going in slow motion and all of the other things are getting in the way of the here and now. Trying to juggle my family at home with hospital visits, a pumping schedule, work, paperwork (insurance etc), phone calls, a vehicle in the shop, household duties etc. When I do visit Ryleigh and hold her, I usually am so exhausted that I fall asleep with her in my arms. So I am feeling as if I am trying to be everything to everyone and in the process I am no good to anyone. Not even myself. I am trying to take care of myself too so I don't get sick and so I am not stressed out. Lack of sleep lately has hindered that as well. Just feeling a little overwhelmed. I know Dwaine is too. Both of us can't remember our own names half of the time just because there is so much other stuff cluttering our minds. Prayers are still greatly appreciated. That seems to be the one thing we can count on is the support and prayers from so many of you

A poem I found...

Dear God, as you look down upon us,
We know that you might have to squint.
We're located here in the NICU
It's the nursery that we rent....

There are many alarms and sirens,
Connected to condos and flats.
The nurses tape our booties on,
And dress us in funny hats.

We have a lot in common;
All of us were in a hurry.
For many different reasons,
Our storks came a little early.

Some of us don't know why
,We bursted out from our bubbles.
We entered into this world,
Never meaning to cause any troubles.

Mommy and Daddy are worried sick
About the odds that we must beat.
Please God, help them to realize,
That seeing us grow is a treat.

Breath by breath, we'll learn to breathe.
Ounce by ounce we'll tip the scale.
We're like a boat in the ocean,
That knows not sink- only sail.

For we are living miracles,
Mommy and Daddy must simply believe,
That you have angels watching over us;
From the time we arrive, till the time we leave.

From the March of Dimes.

January 30

Ryleigh has been doing so much better since the onset of her tummy infection last week. They are slowly beginning to feed her once again. Hopefully the 3rd time is a charm. She has done very well considering she hasn't eaten in about a week. She has been getting IV nutrition but nothing through her feeding tube. Now they are giving her 1ml per hour continuously. She has done ok so far but it hasn't even been 24 hours yet. Time will tell. Our doctors are so great. They have really been on top of her. If the least little things seems wrong, they are ordering tests to figure out why. I love Boone Hospital. There are some amazing people that work there. The nurses are beginning to be like family. When Ryleigh became sick last week, the nurses were hugging me and trying to comfort me. They really do take a personal interest in all of these little babies. It takes a special person to do that job. We pray for the nurses and doctors every day. They are truly special.

Ryleigh weighs in at 2lb, 1oz!! What a big girl. I held her today for 2 hours. It was heaven! She slept the entire time. The other day while I was holding her, she was awake and I read a book to her. She stayed awake for at least 20 minutes and just seemed as if she were looking at me while I was reading to her. It was so precious. We have had to keep Ethan away from the hospital this week as he has taken another cold. The rest of us are fine so far. Hopefully we won't get sick either. There is a huge snow storm headed our way tomorrow. I am praying that it doesn't keep us away from seeing our baby. I will try to update again tomorrow. There hasn't been too much new to report. That is a good thing! Hopefully she is on the road to recovery and we can't wait until she can come home. She will be one month old on Monday :)

Well, yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. We started off with another phone call from the hospital. Ryleigh was not tolerating her feedings at all again and they needed to discontinue them until her belly was better. She was full of gas again and unable to breathe well and just not very comfortable. Her heart rate would drop and her oxygen sats would drop also. The bad thing about having to discontinue her feedings is that they would have to try to restart her IV which was taken out a few days ago. In a baby that small, a regular IV doesn't last very long. Their tiny veins can't handle it. That meant that if they discontinued her feedings for as long as they did last weekend, they would have to insert a central line. They don't do that at Boone which meant she would have to be transported over to the university to have that done. Dr. G. wanted to wait until evening to see how her belly did. She also discontinued her cpap which she thought was one of the causes of so much air in her belly. She is on a nasal canula now.

So yesterday afternoon was a waiting game for us. When we went back up to see her last evening, however, her belly was back to normal!! So no trip to the U, and no more cpap, and they started feeding her today continuously instead of a huge bolus all at once. She is getting food at a rate of 4 cc's per hour. She has tolerated this very well!! I think she is so much more comfortable without that cpap in her nose too!Today I got to hold her again for almost an hour. It was so nice today because now I can see her face without all of the machinery attached to her. It is the first time I have seen her face! I saw her for about 2 seconds right after she was born and then they whisked her away but I got to stare at that pretty face for the longest time today. And what a pretty face it is...

Quick post

Just have a few minutes to post. It is hard to keep up with the Caring Bridge, this, and miscellaneous phone calls. So this one is going to be quick.

Ryleigh is doing fantabulous! She is getting better every day! Chest tubes are gone, she is on cpap breathing room air, and is taking 13 ml. of milk every 4 hours. She is well on her way. Dr. O'Connor says she is starting to put on weight. She graduated from her critical care isolette to a new isolette. I visited with her yesterday and she had her eyes open for a little while. She is starting to squeeze my finger and we get to hold her once every day for at least an hour. Last night was dad's turn. She loves to be held. Her vitals stay nice and even when we hold her and she usually sleeps so sound that she snores.

I am doing better every day. I haven't needed any of my meds for a couple of days now.

We have witnessed so many miracles since Ryleigh has been born. There are too many to count. One miracle is that I was able to keep her as long as I did. Another is that I went into labor when I did. It was during shift change and there were 2 doctors who did my surgery and Dr. O'Connor had just come on after being on vacation. So Ryleigh had a whole team working on her. Dr. O'Connnor is an amazing person. He takes these babies and cares for them as if they were his own. He is always at the hospital. We are so blessed to have such good care from these people.

Another miracle is that Ryleigh was really doing poorly when she was born. She was not getting enough oxygen into her lungs. As soon as they let me hold her, her levels started increasing and she has not had a setback since. Another miracle is that she is doing as well as she is for a baby who weighs less than two pounds. We have experienced so many miracles and we are very grateful for every one of them. I will never take this experience for granted and I will hold it in my heart forever! For as many problems as this pregnancy has had, we have been very blessed to have this experience.

Until later,

Kelley

Happy Birthday, Ryleigh

The reason I haven't posted any updates about my latest doctor visit is because Ryleigh was born.

Ryleigh Elizabeth Gelnar

born 12/31/10 at 6:18 a.m.

2 lbs. 14 inches long

Here is the story:

Thursday evening, I had some cramping. It wasn't severe and I had a cold so I thought I just didn't feel well and went to bed. Cramping went away but at 2 a.m. it woke me up. The cramps were worse and about 5 minutes apart. I don't know what labor feels like so I wasn't sure if this was it or not. I took Ryleighs heart rate and it was 184. Not good for a girl who usually runs 140-150. I woke Dwaine and told him we needed to either call the hospital or go to the hospital. Next I passed two huge clots and then we knew for sure it was time to go. We called David and he was there to stay with Ethan in about 2 minutes. Thank goodness the boys were around. When I got to the hospital, I was admitted and they did my vitals. My temp. was 102 which meant infection had set in. Knowing that, Ryleigh had to come out NOW! I was admitted around 4:00 and I was on the surgery table at 6:00. Ryleigh was born at 6:18.

She had a pretty rough start. They showed her to me and she was gray. I heard one tiny squeak come from her and then they intubated her and put her on a vent. right away. I was terrified. The time they spent sewing me up seemed like eternity because they had taken her away and I would not get to see her until my spinal wore off. I had no idea how she was. As soon as my spinal did wear off, they transferred me to a wheelchair and took me right down to the NICU. They had spent a lot of time trying to get her oxygen sats. to come up and it wasn't working so we all feared that she would not make it. The doctor seemed pretty grim and they let me hold her since we may not ever get to.

As soon as they gave her to me, her sats went up 10 points. After we left, she went up another 10 points and her blood pressure went up too. Must have been that she needed her mommy and daddy. She has been stable ever since. She had to have two chest tubes because they had to turn the vent up as high as they could to get her lungs inflated and she had some small tears in her lungs. Today, both chest tubes are out and they are talking about taking her from the ventilator and putting her on cpap. She came off one of her meds and all of her blood work and scans have come back normal.

All I can say is GOD IS GOOD! That is who I give all the credit to.

She is stable today and has had a good day today too. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully just as good as this one has been. Please, please keep praying for her, she is so tiny and has a long way to go. Thank you for keeping up with us and thank you for all the prayers. I will close by posting one of her pictures. :)

26 weeks, 1 day! Christmas week

I never thought I would make it this far! 26 weeks! If Ryleigh were born now, there is an excellent chance she would make it. The end to all of this is actually in sight now. 4 more weeks and we should deliver.

Yesterday's appointment showed my fluid levels to be 5.6!! That is really a great number. I would like for it to get a little higher. I have to honestly say that I have been a little lax on my bedrest. I have been up more than I should be. It is just so hard to watch Dwaine do all of the work and especially if he is not feeling well. We are all sick now with colds. Ethan has another sinus infection, Dwaine and I both have caught a cold. No one is feeling very well. I actually helped with dinner last night. I know I shouldn't do that. It seems like I leak more when I have been on my feet. So this week, I am really going to concentrate on staying on my butt. Last week I started bleeding again. I didn't call in this time because it was no different than last time. I know it isn't normal to bleed but when I told him at my appointment yesterday, he didn't seem too concerned. Just watch it closely. I have been taking my temperature and monitoring the baby's heartbeat twice a day. I love that heart monitor. Also within a week's time, Ryleigh has gone from breech to head down and back to breech again. She obviously has enough fluid to move around like that. If that is the case, she should have plenty of room for her little chest to breathe and there is a huge pocket of fluid around her face so she can breathe it in.

We had a really nice Christmas. I didn't go to mass on Christmas eve like I had hoped to. I started bleeding the day before so I didn't want to risk it. But that's ok because it was still much better than being in the hospital. I should be able to stay home at least until after New Year's. I am hoping he lets me stay home until the end but we'll see. So, Christmas was really nice, the boys ended up spending the night Christmas eve. I was so glad they did. We had our traditional KFC for dinner and then Ethan opened a few gifts. He opened a couple of gifts from mommy and daddy and he really wanted to open David's gift too. He got a drum and xylophone from mom and dad, and a drill and coloring book from David. This was the first year that Santa came to our house. So in the morning, Ethan opened his gifts from Santa. His favorite gifts were "Bud" Lightyear and Woody. We stayed in our jammies all day long and watched TV. Mostly we watched A Christmas Story.

Dwaine got us a new video camera and a bag for all of my camera equipment. The kids are coming back from OK today and we will celebrate once more tomorrow. The kids will open their gifts and Carrie will have to go back on Thursday. She wants to go to my next appointment on Thursday so that will be cool!

We have a lot to be grateful for this Christmas and I know that the New Year will bring us a new baby girl.

25 weeks today and Merry Christmas to me!

So guess what I got for Christmas today?! Amniotic fluid! Liquid gold! Fluid levels at the low end of being actually NORMAL!! Praise GOD!!

I really can't believe it. So here is how today's report goes. My AFI is 5.7. I haven't had any leaks to speak of for almost a week now. Not that I won't have a big gusher soon but at least for now, things are actually fairly normal. Every day of good fluid is another day of good lung development. Soak it up now, Ryleigh! Speaking of my little peanut, she has flipped around from facing my front to facing my back. She was breathing like a champ during the entire ultrasound and today they measured the ratio of heart to chest cavity. NORMAL!! Lot's of times when there is a prolonged lack of amniotic fluid the chest has no room to expand and the heart will take up the majority of the chest cavity. But, not so here. She has lungs! And a good amount of lung tissue too! Normal lung tissue! My prayer now is that she won't have to be on a ventilator when she is born. I am asking for more and more things along the way, so now I am hoping she won't have to be on a ventilator.

We asked the doctor today if things were going as well as can be expected. He said actually they were better than that. Out of all of the women he has seen this happen to, he said I am in the top 5% for successful outcomes! Talk about winning the lottery!

Yesterday, I had a really crappy day. I'm not sure why, just hormones I guess. I started to feel a bit overwhelmed by the holidays and feeling really lousy about all of the things Dwaine has to do to keep up and then I ask extra things on top of that. He has so much going on right now and I feel so helpless not being able to do anything. I have to talk about my friends, now. I have been blessed with the best people in my life. First of all, if people were not praying for us, we would never be where we are today. Second, I was feeling a little overwhelmed and I know it is my own OCD but I was really wanting my house to be in ship shape condition for Christmas. It is never really dirty or nasty but it hasn't been vaccuumed in over 2 weeks and the floors and whatever else. Now a clean house to me is like a trip to the spa. It feels wonderful!! That's just the way I am. I've gotten better about it but still not completely over it. When I was single, I would vaccuum twice a week and the place was immaculate! Now my house is lived in but not a pig pen by any means. I was really OCD before so I think I have let a little bit of that go. It just feels so nice to not have dog hair stick to my socks. Now to the point. My friends have volunteered to come over this week and take care of all that for me, like Santa's little elves. They are always willing and eager to help out and I don't even have to ask. I only hope to repay them someday.

I have so many other friends who have helped out by either calling or visiting or running errands for me. There are others who have brought countless meals and have kept us well fed. I am grateful to all of these people who have touched our lives. People who have been close to me for years and people whom I have just gotten to know more recently. Also people whom I have never even met in person. People I have met online in a support group. Another woman who has shared her story with me personally who also shared the same doctor and the same problems I do. These people truly care about me and what happens. I am overwhelmed.

I guess what I really want to say is thank you to all of these people. I love all of you and I wish you every blessing in the world. Also know that I keep you all in my prayers daily. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And Ryleigh's too.

24 weeks 2 days.

Not like I haven't been counting or anything like that...

So I am feeling so much better about everything this week. Most importantly, I have stopped bleeding. That is a big relief. Many other things are going on to make me feel much better about everything. First of all, I am seeing my high risk OB twice a week now instead of just once. I get two ultrasounds every week now to monitor baby and fluid levels. More of a way to do outpatient care rather than to be admitted to the hospital this early. It looks like I will be home for Christmas unless anything else crazy happens. I have my outpatient appointments set up through the end of December!

I got both of my steroid shots this week. So Ryleigh's lungs should be bulking up in no time!! 24 weeeks is the magic number for viablility and generally when steroids are given to help baby mature faster. Only one drawback this week is that I am leaking a ton more fluid than I have before. I used to go for 3 or 4 days without any leaking and then when I did, it would just be a very small spot or two. Now I am soaked during the night and sometimes in the day too. Every day. On Tuesday's scan my AFI was 4.6 so that is still good for me but I am anxious to see what it is going to be tomorrow. I'm not really worried just because I can still feel her moving around quite a bit and since she is getting bigger, she is making a lot more fluid too. They estimated her weight this week at a whopping 1.5 pounds!!

On a side note, I have taken up crochet and just finished my first baby blanket for Ryleigh. I had planned on doing it while I was in the hospital but got a start on it and went to town. I have some ribbon to add yet but wanted to wash it first. Here is a little look at it.

I had a really good model to help demonstrate my work :)

23 weeks, 6 days! - week from he**

Wow! What a week this has been. Usually I post right after my doctor's appointments on Tuesdays but this week has not gone so well.

Tuesday, I had a terrific appointment at both doctors. I had an AFI of 4.9 when 8 is the bottom of the normal range. Now it doesn't sound like much, but that is the most fluid I have had yet!! I was so excited and Dr. Grant said he would not put me in the hospital at 24 weeks. He definitely wanted to wait probably a couple more weeks. This would put me through the Christmas holiday!! Christmas at home, WOO HOO!! Tuesday afternoon, I came home and had a very small leak. No big deal for me, it happens usually after an appointment just because I've been up and around and ultrasound probe poking on my belly. Well, the fluid was a little different color, darker, almost orange. I know, TMI but to me, that meant maybe blood. I called the doctor back and he told me to keep an eye on it until Thursday. He was out of the office Wed. I called Dr. Moreton just to make him aware too. Well, Wed. eve. I started spotting blood. Ok, so I am keeping an eye on it, right? Wed. morning, I am now bleeding pretty heavy or what seemed heavy to me. More than I care to notice. I call the doctor's office again and they are still not extremely concerned and want me to keep an eye on it all day. I bled all day Wed. off and on. Thursday morning I am still bleeding. I call back and he wants me to come in. Another ultrasound shows everything is still fine and exactly where it should be. Thank GOD above! So he tells me to go home and basically not move, which I did.

Meanwhile (oh, it gets better) Dwaine starts to get the remains of Ethan's crud that he had last week and very quickly starts to deteriorate. This happens Tuesday after my wonderful appointment. Needless to say, everything went to hell in a hand basket fast. Dwaine had to go to urgent care Tues. eve. Got an antibiotic for whatever crud he has going on. Wed., he felt worse and went to his doctor for more medicine. Thursday he starts puking and whatever else goes on with the stomach flu not to mention his respiratory issues and coughing up nasty stuff. Thursday he felt so bad, he could not even take me to the doctor. David took him back to the doctor Thursday afternoon and they gave him IV fluids and something for nausea. He started to feel much better.

Meanwhile, (oh, I'm still not finished) Ethan cannot get over his cold. He feels like crap too! Dwaine took him to the doctor on Friday again and he had a double ear infection and a sinus infection. Between the three of us, I thought about just calling in hospice and assuming we were all done for! David and Ryan were here with us Wednesday and Thursday to help try to nurse us all back to health and help with Ethan.

It's the weekend now and I think we are all turning the corner. Dwaine is feeling much better and so is Ethan. My bleeding has pretty much stopped but I am leaking more fluid than I normally do. I'm not really too worried about that, though. I hit the 24 week mark tomorrow. I should get steroids sometime very soon and this means also that Ryleigh has reached a point where she can definitely live outside if she had to. Everyday I can stay pregnant and infection free add a huge benefit to her at this point. So we have hit a big milestone.

Things are looking up and with God's grace, we made it through. It could have been much worse so I am just glad it wasn't and that we are all doing better!

23 weeks! and some random thoughts

Well, today I am 23 weeks. 7 more weeks and Ryleigh will be here and hopefully healthy and strong. I am starting to actually look forward to Christmas especially since I may not be in the hospital yet. I have bought some gifts online and have a few home made gifts to give this year. I have at least had time to get ready for Christmas as best as I can anyway. I never have this kind of time to get ready. I love the cold weather. I hope we get to start up the fireplace soon.

Ethan has been a very sick boy. Just a virus, I'm sure but he has been miserable and not sleeping well at night. I feel so bad for him when he doesn't feel well. Dwaine has been twice as busy taking care of Ethan since he requires so much more attention and has had to make a trip to the doctor and take another day off work since he has been sick. Now Dwaine is sick too. So he has to do everything while HE doesn't feel well either. I am praying I don't get sick. I don't want anything to happen to this baby and getting sick would not be a good thing.

A couple of things I am very grateful for this week. The lady who has been cleaning my house came today and that is such a huge help and it really does make me feel better to have a nice sparkly house! I love that! I love it even more since I didn't have to do it. And she does a really good job. I am thankful for Dwaine's kids who have also been a huge help during all of this. They are so great! Carrie is going out of her way to come and see us over Christmas since we can't go to Oklahoma this year. David has been doing some babysitting for us as has Ryan. And, David goes and brings lunch home sometimes too. Ryan has been a huge help with chores like cleaning and vacuuming and making sure the trash gets taken out. He has also been babysitting a lot too. Mostly so I can get to my doctor's appointments.

Dwaine and I have decided that for Christmas, instead of getting gifts for each other, we would hire someone to have our bedroom painted. It is the last room of the house that hasn't been painted. It needs it bad and has for a long time! He is coming tomorrow to paint and it should be back to normal later this week! I am so excited!

During this time of crisis and anxiety, I have found many things to thank God for. He has really been faithful to me and it seems like you never realize that until something sets you back. Even though this has not been a pleasant experience/pregnancy, God has been there with us the whole time and even through my lack of trust in Him, he has so far proven me very wrong. I can trust and it's OK. Whatever happens, He has taken care of us and always will. I have nothing to worry about.

22 weeks + 3 days

Dr. visit update....

Well, apparently I have been accumulating more fluid lately which is great news! Ryleigh is still doing very well and doing everything she is supposed to be doing. Good girl! She is practicing breathing and swallowing, she has a full stomach and bladder. There is more fluid around her chest and belly which gives her lungs more room to expand and try to breathe. These are all very good things. My fluid levels went up to 26 and 12 this week. So everything is looking good! Now for the best part. Drum roll, please....


He told me if I keep doing this well and the baby stays stable, he might postpone my hospital admission a couple more weeks!! That means, I may get to spend Christmas at home! I will still have to spend several weeks in the hospital but after Christmas, I really don't care. He said that one risk of going into the hospital is that when they monitor me twice a day, if they see any type of deceleration in the heartbeat, they will probably automatically whisk me away to surgery before the baby is ready. He said a deceleration is normal once in awhile but if they see it on a monitor, they have to act on it and that means maybe jumping the gun on the delivery. So, if I don't have any problems, no cramping or bleeding or pain, they just may leave me where I am and leave well enough alone for a couple more weeks.

My uncle has been having a rough time but apparently he is doing a bit better these last few days. Thanks for prayers from everyone who has been praying for him. Not sure how long he will have to be in the hospital but they changed a few of his meds. and it sounds like he is doing a little better. So that is another blessing.

Ethan has come down with a cold. He had to have another flu shot the other day and it always seems that a couple of days after the flu shot he always gets just a little bit of a cold. My friends came over last weekend and put up a small Christmas tree for us. Getting our big monster tree out this year is just not practical. So we left it stored away for next year. Ethan loves the Christmas tree. He wants us to turn the lights on every morning when he gets up. He loves to look carefully at the ornaments on it and touch them. He is gentle though, he doesn't try to take them off. I think he will have a fun Christmas this year. Next year will be even better and I am going to go all out next year!

22 weeks and venting again...

Just after Thanksgiving and I don't want to appear ungrateful. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for so many things right now. Here are a few, for example. First, I am thankful that I am still pregnant. I think all of my doctors are too because they both said so. It is a miracle in itself that this is even possible. Generally 9 out of 10 cases of women whose membranes rupture, usually all end in the loss of their pregnancy. So I am indeed thankful that I am one of the lucky ones that has made it this far. The next thing I have to be thankful for is that I am 22 weeks along this journey today. 22 weeks is a magic number because Ryleigh is on the brink of viability (for lack of a better term). There are some known cases of babies who have survived being born at 22 weeks. Every day after this is a huge blessing. When we get to 24 weeks, chances are even better for us. I have so many other blessings in my life that there are just too many to mention. I could literally, go on forever.

Now the reason I am so angry today. My uncle Jim who lives in Quincy is very sick and it is not looking good right now that he will make it. He had a stroke a few weeks ago and has now developed pneumonia. He is back in ICU and there has apparently been discussions of putting him on a ventilator. Basically, this means life support. Now, I am really close to my aunt and uncle. They are my mom's only living relatives that I know. So basically they have, in a way, taken some role as parents to me. I want to be at home right now to be there for him. I am stuck on this stupid couch and cannot go anywhere. If something bad happens, how can I get home? It would require me travelling 2 hours to Quincy which I am sure my doctors would frown upon with good reason and if something happened to me while I am at home, there is no hospital there that could take care of me or Ryleigh. So this really sucks and once again, I am feeling very helpless. I want to go home but for the sake of my baby, I can't. Now, I know that everyone says that God never gives you more than you can handle. But come on, really??? What impeccable timing God has here. Can't we just please have one crisis at a time??? Excuse me if I am a little angry right now but I just can't seem to help it.

21 weeks + 1 day - today's doctor appointment

Today has been a very good day. Let me throw a few technical terms out there first.

First and largest SVP 26 mm!!!!!!!! Crazy good!! Second smaller SVP 12 mm!! Very good too considering anything above 10 is awesome! That is by far the most fluid the baby has had since this whole nightmare began!!

Second and most important. While my wonderful girl, whose name I am not sure of yet but will find out soon, was scanning me this morning we actually watched the baby's chest moving. Know what that means, folks?? She is practicing breathing!! Apparently something that is unheard of at 21 weeks. Normally she said that they don't see that until around 28 weeks. My child is an overachiever already!! What a good girl! Way to go, Ryleigh!! She was also doing some sort of swimming/dance routine in there. Moving around like crazy! Also another excellent sign. So as of now, her chest is not squished and she is able to change positions. Right now both doctors are saying that for her living conditions, she is behaving like a perfectly normal baby! Can you understand how that makes me feel?!?! I wish I could go to the doctor for a scan every day. I think it would give me a little more piece of mind :) Dr. Grant is hoping that I make it to 30 weeks which makes me feel a whole lot better than 28 weeks. We will just have to play it by ear and once we hit 28 weeks, we will see how she is doing. I would like to keep her baking as long as possible. 3 more weeks until I go into the hospital. 9 more weeks and hopefully this whole ordeal will be over and we will have a healthy baby.

Now since I have neglected mentioning Ethan lately, here are some cute and funny things he has been saying and doing.

Last week he tells me "Mommy, I tired. I need coppee (aka coffee)" Today he says "Kelley, zip it". Sure he heard that from daddy. I asked him where baby Ryleigh is. He says "Wiley in mommy's tummy", Wiley in Etan tummy", or "Wiley in daddy's tummy". As he was acting up one day, I asked him if he wanted to go to time out. He says "yes, mommy, I go time out". Guess I will need to come up with something new for time out. He is still the cutest little boy on the planet and I cannot wait until I can pick him up and just squeeze the love right out of him! Can't wait!

21 weeks today!! WOO HOO!!

Today is Monday which means that I have survived another weekend. Oh, how I used to look forward to weekends. Time off from work, time to spend doing fun things with family and especially Ethan. Looking forward to hearing what others did with their time off. Now, I hate the weekends. I actually dread them. I look forward to Monday when I can say that I am another week farther along in this hellish pregnancy. I know every woman on bedrest can relate to this.

This weekend for whatever reason, was by far the worst. I hate being stuck in here when everyone else is outside or doing family things. I miss the holiday parades, getting ready for Thanksgiving, putting up Christmas decorations and I hear everyone else talking about it. It feels like people are being rude or something by telling me those things. Now, I know that is not the case because obviously, I loved to tell people how much I accomplished over the weekends and the fun things that we did with Ethan, etc. So I did it too. It just makes me jealous, I guess. I am sitting here on the couch, trying to save my baby and feeling selfish that I don't want to be stuck here. So there were a lot of mixed emotions going on this weekend. I think the closer the holidays get, the worse it may become. I am also not looking forward to spending 4 weeks worth of nights away from my son. I have never been away from him overnight and now I have to do it for 4 weeks??? That is almost asking too much. Well, it is asking too much.

Last night, I had a reprieve, though. My husband who has been feeling bad for me all weekend, took me for a ride in the car last night. I wasn't exerting myself, just sitting back enjoying the ride with my window open and Ethan chattering in the back seat. I LOVED THAT!! Next we decided to stop and pick up some dinner to take home. It just so happened that we drove by our church which I haven't set foot in for 6 weeks. He pulled into the driveway and asked if I wanted to go in and just sit for a little bit. Well, of course I did. So as the tears welled up, I made my way inside and just sat there and soaked up every moment. Then we all went into the Blessed Sacrament Chapel and prayed together. For a moment, I had gone to heaven.

By the time we got home it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off of me even for just a moment. Bless my husband for everything he has had to put up with. He is truly a rock for me. I don't know what I would do without him and I am positive that if this had happened in my first marriage, the baby probably would not have survived and neither would I. I would have gotten 0% support there.

So for this week of Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for even though I am in this predicament. First, I am thankful that my baby is still alive. Second, I am thankful for the support and strength of my husband and for his strong faith. I am also thankful for my faith which upholds me during this time. Next, I am extremely thankful for my support system beyond my family which includes my friends, my long distance family who do not live here and all of their kind words, deeds and prayers. I am very truly blessed for this Thanksgiving. More so this year than ever before.

20 weeks, 3 days

Today, I am half way through week 20. Feels like a milestone to at least know that if this were a normal pregnancy, I would be half-way there. This pregnancy unfortunately, has been anything but normal. As my dr. would say, we passed normal a long time ago. But, I still have faith that this is all going to turn out ok. Now, at least I can start to feel little Ryleigh moving around a bit. Every time I feel one of her little kicks, I am completely reassured that she is still ok and still with me. Sometimes I just try to lay as still as I can just so I can feel here movements.

Our ultrasound this week was good. They took measurements of everything. Head, chest, belly and all long bones. According to her measurements, she is right at the 50th percentile. Perfect! They estimated her weight at 12 oz. So not even a pound yet. She is such a strong little girl already. However, one setback that happened is that I had a huge leak right before my appointment. A leak very comparable to the first one. So everything I had saved up the last two weeks was gone right before my ultrasound. But, the doctors are happy that she at least had two weeks of good fluid that she could swim around in so all was not lost and my fluid measurements were not much different than the week before. I had a minor leak this morning but nothing big to speak of. It is a little disappointing though because I think that after 2 weeks of no leaking at all that maybe I am part of that lucky 1% that has resealed. Well, that definitely didn't happen.

Last week, I was crying because I will have to go into the hospital in a couple of weeks. I have completely changed my attitude about all that. I realize that when I get to the hospital, if she is born early, there is a good chance she will still make it. I think once I am there, it will almost be a relief now, in a way. Then, just 4 weeks after that, she will be here.

I have been communicating with another woman who had been through this exact same thing. My doctor was kind enough to get us both connected and she has been more than willing to share her experiences with me. I have found this to be extremely helpful since she had the same doctors and was in the same hospital. She has a cute little 4 year old boy to show for all their hard work and tears. She sent me a picture of him that I keep in my inbox so I will be reminded of the goal at the end of all this. I am very thankful to have found her.

I still count all my blessings and there have been so many. I still thank God every day for all of my friends and family who are supporting us and lifting us up in prayer. Also, so many people have stepped up to help out with cleaning and cooking and errands and some babysitting. It is the little things that make the hugest difference. Just knowing that everyone is behind us and that we are not in this alone.

Random thoughts..

Well, today is day #31 of house arrest. Still feeling cautiously optimistic but also still not sure of what the outcome of this will be. Dwaine and I met with the neonatologist yesterday. He was very nice, very intelligent and seemed to be very caring. Of course, we learned more gloom and doom yesterday also. I now know what the terms hypoplasia and pulmonary hypertension are, I know a little about respirators, ventilators and feeding tubes. I know about how difficult it will be to get an airway into my baby, I know about underdeveloped lung tissue and I know about how the heart can take over the chest leaving not much room for lungs. I know the uterus compresses against the baby's chest. I know a lot of things now that I may have been better off not knowing, but we need to know these things just in case. We need to make decisions on how much and how soon we think the baby will be "viable" How soon is too soon and can the baby live if it is too soon or do we let her go? That is the most cruel decision of all. We also learned how technology has developed in even the last couple of years. We learned how much more they know about this problem than before. I know if this had happened with Ethan, there is a really good chance, he wouldn't be here just by how far they have come in the last 2 years. Those are the good things. I will try to focus on these and I will try to focus on those PROM women who have succeeded in having healthy babies. The ones who seemed to have more difficulties than me. The little ones that made it. Those babies are my heroes.

My prayer now is that I can give this situation over to God and let Him handle it. Worry does me no good and it doesn't benefit Ryleigh either. Now, I am praying for patience, acceptance and trust.